'Lainey' talks the 'Eclipse' trailer

'Lainey' talks the 'Eclipse' trailer

Just got back from the best polo lesson ever and my inbox is full of Twi-Hard. Apparently there’s some drama with the new Eclipse trailer that was just screened on Oprah today..?. I’m not about to break this sh-t down by the second because, well, please, that’s Twi-Hard territory. But there are a few very interesting gossip angles to examine.

First – a trailer is usually 2 minutes and 30 seconds which puts this... teaser...whatever... a full minute short. The film drops on June 30th. A final cut should be delivered by the end of May. At this point then they should have more than enough footage for a full 2 and a half minutes. So what’s up?

As I reported exclusively a couple of weeks ago, the crew and a few actors are expected to return to Vancouver for 3 days to reshoot – or “pick-up” – a few scenes. Whatever. Not that those two points are related. Not at all...what? A short trailer means nothing. Everything is fiiiiine. David Slade’s vision of Eclipse is fiiiiine. It’s a zombie movie!

Doesn’t it look like a zombie movie?

There was an awful lot of evil vampire team action, non? In fact, there was an awful of Xavier Samuel. He plays Riley. Riley is in, like, maybe 3 scenes in the book. But Riley seems like a big deal in the trailer. A bigger deal than Edward.

Oh.....

And there’s the problem. This explains why the Twi-Hards are freaking out. Where is the love, guy? Where is the mooning? Why isn’t Robert Pattinson looking all pretty and tortured and kissing? Where is the cheese?

There was some cheese. Taylor Lautner’s delivery of that “you’re in danger, girl” message was pretty cheese. And whenever Ashley Greene opens her mouth it’s cheese too. Overall though, under Slade’s direction, the cheese has been remarkably scaled back...

A cheese-free Twilight?

Blasphemy.

This explains the panic.

Because these losers want to go to the movies and spend two hours watching Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart dry humping each other. After all, that’s the original story: 500 pages of blue balls. Slade was working on a potentially campy and enjoyable horror movie. That works for me. But does it work for them?

It certainly doesn’t work for Cynthia who emailed earlier. Cynthia is quite distraught:

I know you don’t care about Twilight but the fans do! Did you see the trailer? It’s terrible and I hate it so much! Not 1 kiss and they don’t talk about Bella and Edward’s relationship. In Eclipse is when Bella made her choice to be with Edward because he is the One. That is the story I fell in love with and changed my life. Do I have to care about stupid Zavier Samuels? I don’t care!!!!! F-ck you David Slade. F-ck you Lainey. They will change this for the fans so don’t even bother blog about this, we already know!

PS. I’m always accused of smacking too hard on Pattinson. How’s this? In that brief moment when he’s giving Kristen Stewart a ring (?) and looking at her, um, tenderly... yes, he is very handsome there. But I hate the word tender. It’s a gag word.